I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max

Author:Tucker Max
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, pdf
Tags: Relationships, Drinking of alcoholic beverages - Social aspects, Love & Romance, Humor, Form, Anecdotes, Topic - Relationships, Topic - Adult, Drinking of alcoholic beverages, Fiction, Topic, Family & Relationships, Interpersonal Relations, Man-woman relationships, Adult, Dating (Social customs), American Satire And Humor, General, Form - Anecdotes, Relationship addiction
ISBN: 9780806531069
Publisher: Citadel
Published: 2009-01-20T08:00:00+00:00

133

GIRL BEATS TUCKER AT HIS

OWN GAME

Occurred-October 2001

Written-June 2004

I met Rachel at some ill-conceived fundraiser for infant amputees with swollen spinal cords. It was thrown by the Junior League or some sort of similar organization dedicated to finding rich husbands for vacuous single women. She was one of the organizers, very good looking, and seemed normal, which is very significant in Florida. We talked about the wine, I pretended to listen to her, she loved that I came from a

"prominent Florida family"-a quote that still sends me into fits of laughter-so we went on a date later that week.

The first date she only reaffirmed my initial impression: not dumb, but not bright, not interesting, but not totally repellant. This girl was there as a human being, but that's about it. There seemed to be nothing compelling about her aside from her looks. Despite this, and the fact that she refused to hook up, something about her kept me into the first date enough to go on a second. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, it was just a feeling that I got, but there was something there that I wanted to see more of. Besides, I hadn't had sex in like a week and she was my best option, so I agreed to a second date.

Date Two started out boring as well, until I figured out why I had a subconscious interest despite Rachel's inability to hold a conversation. I made a totally innocuous joke about having to pay more when you beat up Cuban hookers during sex, and the girl instantly went from polite-but-distant to c1early-into-me. The conversation turned to sex and it was like a switch was thrown; everything about her lit up, she became totally engaged in the conversation and actually became slightly interesting. At one point, she got a Cheshire cat grin on her face, her eyes narrowed and she coyly asked me,

Rachel "Are you naughty, Tucker Max?"

Tucker "Who are you talking to? You can't think up anything that I haven't done already. Twice."

I didn't know it then, but that exchange would soon have a place of honor in the Couldn't-Have-Been-More-Wrong Hall of Fame.

134

Remember when I said she seemed normal? Yeah ... I was quickly disabused of that notion when we got back to my place and she took my hands, placed them around her neck and told me:

"I want you to strangle me as you fuck me. Not too hard, don't choke me and don't leave bruises, but make sure I can feel it." It was a bit awkward at first. Not really strangling her; there are plenty of girls I've wanted to choke to death, but more coordinating the act while also sexually penetrating her. It's not easy to fuck with both your hands around a girl's neck, especially if you've never done it before. You're so accustomed to your hands being used for other thingsbalance, hair-pulling, using the remote-that it takes you awhile to get a rhythm going. But once I got acclimated, it was kinda fun, choking this girl as I fucked her.

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